Midnight Eclipse
by Bloodymuffinpuff
Summary: Crack. Bella is distressed with her life, not only does Edward appear to be gay and cheating on her, she has to deal with the random and out of this world events that seem to be drawn to her.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, but I can distort the characters on here, and make people see how dumb it can be. **

**Author's note:** Despite what you've read before, Bloodymuffinpuff is a lie. No, I'm not actually that stupid, and Lafanda does not exist. We are instead, two authors, striving to write a successful crackfic. We thought it'd be entertaining to also poke fun at some of the author's notes on here where people like to ramble on about their personal lives while it has no point whatsoever in the story. No, I am not pregnant nor is the other author. The grammar mistakes (for the most part. Run on sentences will remain as they are mocking the average Twilight fanfiction writer's style. Take offense if this is you, some of the younger authors do not know how to write) will be fixed, but the plot shall not be. If it were, this would no longer be a crackfic, right? Oh, and in case you were wondering about Lafanda. Her boyfriend was planning on breaking up with her, she was going to be suicidal and the baby would inevitably be born missing an arm and a leg after having her mother fall down the stairs. Also, her name was Belice. If you're curious as to whom is writing what: I, Mits (yes, I do have an actual account for Twilight under Mits where there are decent stories), will be writing the odd numbered chapters along with various oneshots. _Bloody Tampons _was written entirely by me. I hope it was disturbing enough for you, that was my goal. Zukoflame shall be writing all of the even-numbered chapters. Although she does not writer for Twilight on here (here fandoms consist of:_Rurouni Kenshin and Avatar: The Last Airbender_) she's read the series / kind of enjoyed whereas I despise it. You'll most likely notice that my chapters will eventually become more spiteful while hers are more crack. Oh, and for reviews. If you so choose to review, by all means, continue to flame. We enjoy reading them. The harsher, the better, in my opinion. Or if you think it's great fun and all, leave a positive one, as long as you do, in fact, leave some remark about your impressions. /end rant.

_**Midnight Eclipse**  
-Part One-_

Hi, my name is Isabelle Mary Swan. My parents named me that because I am obviously a beautiful girl. My chestnut brown hair falls down just below my butt, and it sways perfectly in the wind, sometimes even without a breeze. My chocolate brown eyes are pools of brown that people say can look right into your souls.

I've always loved reading and my nose is never anywhere but inside a book. I don't have to wear glasses, but I do because they make me look sexier in that hot nerd kind of way. The frames are cats' eyes, and they make my chocolate brown eyes even more deep. My head is heart shaped because it means I have a big heart, and I love my boyfriend Edward more than anyone else in the whole wide world even my own family. I'd die without him. He's my anchor in the storm, the peanut butter to my fluff, my heart and my love.

Today, I was wearing a short crystal blue, mini skirt that just barely covered my butt, but I'm no slut (a/n: cue: annoying a/n that backs the obviously incorrect author's opinion), but I like to look good for all the guys at my school who won't stop drooling over me. Everyday all I see is puddles of drool on the floor from them. But I just blush and ignore them. If I were to look at them Edward would eat them.

But he shouldn't do that because then they'd know he's a vampire, and we'd have to move to Alaska, and I really don't want to meet Tanya because she is so much prettier than me, and she'd try to steal Edward from me like she did before I even met him! I'd die if Edward left me! He's my love, and I love him more than anything especially that fuckin' vile Mike Newton because Mike is such an annoying little nerd that won't leave me alone no matter how many times I tell him, which I've done repeatedly, that I'm not at all -or in any way- interested in him. Gah! He makes me wants to tear my eyes out and throw them at him, so that I don't have to look at him anymore!!!

Today, Charlie made me go to school even though I told him that it was Edward's birthday, and Alice wanted to go shopping, but he didn't believe me so now I'm in my sexy red truck driving to school without Edward because he hates my truck and wanted to take his super sexy silver Volvo instead. I love my truck though. I hate driving fast like all the Cullens, so I love my truck and the fact that it only goes to about 30 mph.

Anyway I got to school and parked in a parking spot right in between the lines. I was about 2 feet from the line on each side, so I was really proud of myself! Usually, I try to drive and I hit something because I'm just so clumsy for no reason at all! Ugh, it must be from my mother because Charlie really isn't that bad, though, I did see him trip over the vacuum the other day when he didn't think I was watching him I can't ever remember the last time he did chores at our house, seriously, he's such a lazy ass while I'm busting my hump all day. I don't really have a hump, it's just an expression.

Anyway, as I was saying, and I put my red truck in park making sure to take the key out of the key hole thing. As I was getting out of my car, I almost tripped on a leaf but Edward, my love, my Adonis, came out of nowhere and saved me again. He must have been hiding behind a tree, watching me secretly because he loves me so much, and he doesn't want to see me get hurt ever. Some people may call him a stalker, but I love him dearly with all my heart and soul, and it would quite literally kill me to live without him. I love him so much, especially when he wears his sexy hair messy like he was today. His eyes were so gold if I tried to sell them they'd be worth enough to buy a gold necklace!

I leaned in to kiss him, and he wrapped his arms around me. "I love you, Eddie" I said to him as I kissed him on the ear.

"I love you too, Belly"

I laughed as he carried me into school. I saw all the girls looking at my boyfriend, but they were just jealous because I had such an amazingly hott boyfriend, and they didn't, so I just smiled at them and went to class.

And I saw a paper on the ground, and I made sure to try and walk around it, but my foot hit it and I....

**Thank you for sticking through this trash. Don't worry, it'll get better. And by better, I, of course, mean worse. Much, much worse. **

**I'm sorry if I missed any spelling / grammar errors. There were so many in the original version, that I'm sure I've missed at least one. The next chapters will be edited and put up either today or tomorrow. Bloody Tampons will stay as is for now, I guess. I might change it later. **

**Please Review**


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Hello all! This is ZukoFlame, the second writer of this parody crack fic. This chapter hasn't really changed a whole lot, except for fixing the spelling and grammar mistakes. And yes, I did actually flame my own chapter under my real account back when we were pretending that BloodyMuffinPuff was a real person, simply for the fact that I felt like it. I quite enjoyed it actually, since people could never suspect me for being one of the people behind this account.

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight, however it's always enjoyable to make fun of the characters.**

…Tripped. But my beautiful Edward was right beside me in a heartbeat and rescued me from falling on my pretty face. My face turned the color of a ripe tomato and I bit my lip because I was obviously embarrassed.

"Thank you Eddy for saving me." His beautiful eyes that are the color of the sun--except when he's hungry then its like the color of the sky without the sun--were sparkling and he smiled that sexy vampire smile and he held my hand while we walked into class.

Everyone was jealous of Eddy, but I didn't care because he belonged to me and no one else. We were in Biology and since I was bored I decided to draw a picture of my sweet lovely Adonis boyfriend. I took out my Crayola macaroni and cheese colored crayon and colored in his perfect sparkly eyes but when the teacher came over he took the picture from me.

"You aren't in elementary Ms. Swan so I don't want to see you drawing in my class."

"But I love Eddy and it's how I show my love for him!"

"Hey," I heard my beautiful Adonis say, "Teacher, you smell really nice today. Are you wearing perfume?"

"Um…I'm wearing cologne. And thank you but I'm not gay so don't even think about it."

"Pff. That's what they all say."

"Excuse me?!" I turned toward my boyfriend who had just flirted with the teacher. "What the hell is your problem! I'll show you how much better girls are for you. Then I took his face in my hands and kissed him right on his perfect lips and then he took off his jacket and I starting taking off my shirt but—

"Get off of her Cold One!" Jacob got up from his seat that was behind me—he had transferred—and then tried to push off Edward from me and then they started fighting and Jacob turned into a werewolf and then they starting fighting over me.

"Bella is my girlfriend you blood sucker!"

"She's mine you ugly ******" (You can use your imagination)

I just stood there since I didn't know what else to do. Secretly I wanted my Eddy-poo to win…but I did like Jacob in that best friend-almost-boyfriend-but-not-really kind of way. Then they started biting each other and then Eddy bit Jacobs neck and starting sucking his blood since he's a vampire and I guess he was hungry.

"Stop it Eddy!" I ran over to stop them but then I saw a pencil on the ground and I tried to move out of the way but I….

**There might still be some grammar/spelling mistakes because I went through this pretty fast, but oh well. Feel free to flame or leave a regular review. My friend and I always enjoy reading them.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight.**

**Author's Note:** Again, this is now being edited. -Mits

_**Midnight Eclipse**  
Chapter Three_

....I fell on my face. Again! Curse my clumsiness. Everyday, I fall on my face or on my arm or on my butt or my leg, sometimes even my ear! Man, that last one sucked because I hit my ear so hard that I couldn't hear out of my ear all day, and I was basically deaf, and I had to learn sign language so I could talk, and no one could understand me because it's really hard to learn sign language in one day, so I was really just playing charades, but it's ok because Edward still loved me. He would just shake his head and say, "Oh Bella, my love. You're so cute when you act like an idiot" I couldn't stop smiling all day.

But today wasn't as bad as that time. I hurt my nose a bit, but I didn't need surgery or anything because someone threw a pillow from across the hall, and I landed on it just in time. But I had to give the pillow back to Edward because he needed something to sleep on during English. After 300 years of taking high school he gets bored, so he stopped paying attention and just sleeps instead.

I gave Edward his pillow and grabbed his freezing, ice-cold hands as we walked down the hallway together. Jake was walking behind us, but I couldn't see him because he was behind us. All of the sudden he threw a bowl of mac and cheese at the back of Edward's head and started laughing hysterically. Edward didn't mind though since mac and cheese is his favorite food.

Edward started to eat, but then Jake got jealous because the mac and cheese was supposed to be his lunch, so he ripped off some of Edward's hair in revenge. Edward was mad because since he's a vampire the hair doesn't grow back. They started fighting but soon, the whole mood of the room changed and Edward was kissing Jacob!

I screamed at both of them and said, "GET OFF MY BOYFRIEND!" to Edward, but then I realized my mistake and blushed.

"I meant, You're MY boyfriend, Edward. Get off of Jake!" But he didn't listen to me. I started pouted and soon the whole school was watching them kiss. I didn't know what to do to get them away from each other!

But then I saw Mike Newton down the hall, and I had the perfect idea....

**Please Review / Flame. Whatever. As long as it's something. **


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: ZukoFlame here! Once again, this is the edited version of this chapter.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight.**

Bella and Edward were walking down the hall together holding hands. (Bella forgave him from kissing Jacob because she loved him a lot and she forgot about her plant to get him jealous by doing Mike.)

"I forgive you Eddy." I kissed him right on his perfectly shaped vampire lips and then he pulled me closer and put his tongue into my mouth and then our tounges were like two lions fighting for dominance. But then one of the teachers--actually the same teacher that Eddy had flirted with—came and pulled him away from me and then started making out with him instead.

"What the frickin heck! Get off of my boyfriend you pedifile Edward is mine and you cant have him!" I was getting really mad now. I mean I had sacrificed a lot to be with Edward like my safety—since he could eat me at any time-- and it wasn't fair for some teacher to come and steal him from me.

"Yeah!" Jacob said really meanly to my teacher--who had been making out with my vampire boyfriend who might be an ex-boyfriend too if he didn't stop it!

"Edward is mine so go rape some other student or I'll tear your legs off and hang them on my neck as a pretty necklace!" Jacob said.

"Ehhh?!" I yelled. Jake/Jacob/werewolf looked like he had gone crazy or something but I wanted Jacob to tear off my teachers legs because then he wouldn't be in school for a while, and that would mean less homework for me...but then again my sweet Edward being gay might be bad for our relationship since I wanted to get married to him and have his babies.

"ARUM NUM!" Jacob turned into a vampire and then bit off my teachers legs but since it tasted so good instead of making it into jewelry he ate it. The Edward jumped Jacob because he wanted to eat the toe—he must not have eaten blood in a while—and then they started fighting again and biting each other.

"Stop it or I'll call one of the teachers…! Oh forget it whatever." I was pretty grossed out since there was blood and peaces of my teachers leg on the floor but I'd seen worse when I went hunting with Edward--which went really well until Victoria showed up and wanted to eat me--so we had to go home...and I was really upset about that.

But anyway like I was saying, Edward and Jacob were fighting over the legs and then Edward bit Jacob and then….!

**Reveiws Please!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: The only reason I'd want to own Twilight is to have an army of fangirls attack my enemies, but I guess, I'll have to make an army the old fashioned way, eh?**

**Author's Note:** By Mits, enjoy.

**_Chapter Five!_**

JACOB TURNED INTO A VAMPIRE! Except he's only half vamp-half wolf( kind of like that super hot guy in Underworld. You know the um- hybrid? thing.) And now he was even stronger then Eddy. It looked like Jake was gonna win, so I did the only thing I could do: I sang. My voice is so beautiful that it calms any beast including the mythical ones. I sang my song as beatifully as I could, and soon they were so consumed by my singing that they stopped fighting.

People from the whole school came to hear me sing, and some of them even took out there lighters to wave along with the song. But that's not a very smart idea! The drapes on the windows caught fire and soon Edward started crying because fire can kill him. He jumped out a window with Jake following behind him, but I was still inside.

I looked around, and I was the only one left in the building. I didn't know what to do, so I jumped out the window as well. Even though it was like 5 floors high, I landed on my feet because I had really padded shoes. Though I did break one or two nails. I saw Jake cuddling with Edward, and I smacked him in the face! "Get off my boyfriend!" I yelled, but he didn't listen.

Jake went in to kiss Edward, but I shot him with a horse tranquilizer and he fell asleep. "Now, Eddy, let's go home" He smiled at me in the famous sexy crooked way. He grabbed my hand and I said good bye to all my friends as he ran me to Isle Esme. It only took about 5 minutes to get there because he ran super fast like a bat!

But we weren't at the island for very long because Alice called and said she was in trouble, so Edward made us go back. I was sad because we were alone in the island and now we weren't.

Turns out Alice's big problem was...

**Isn't it good?! :D REVIEW**

_And now to address some reviews (regarding this and Bloody Tampons): This is CRACK! Not a real story. I KNOW that vampires don't eat. I KNOW there are plot holes, and times it doesn't make any sense at all. and I KNOW that the characters are OOC, and that Bloody Tampons is creepy and disturbing. That's the point! Ah, Please, read that it's crack. By all means, insult IT, but don't insult ME when I'm doing it on purpose. That is all._


	6. Chapter 6

ZukoFlame: Here's the long awaited chapter 6!

**Disclaimer: Twilight doen not belong to me. Thank God.**

* * *

...she was in love with me!

"Bellllllaaaaa!" she yelled as she cam running towards me. "I wuv you so much I already dumped Jasper so we have lots of fun together and I'll bite you so you can turn into a werewolf and you'll be immortal so you can't die and we can live forever because we'll be immortal!!!!" I was shocked because I mean really, I was totally in love with my precious Edward and girls just never really seemed all that sexy to me because its not really compatiable if you want to be have babies. But then again we could always Eddy to donate some sperm...hmmm....

"Go away Alice! Bella's already betrothed to me!" Edward said as he ran forward and all 4s and jumped on top of Alice (not that way you sickos) and then they started fighting and biting each other. I was like, "OMG Yay! People are fighting over me!" You see I have low self esteem and everyone picks on me just because I'm pale and skinny and clumsy and hang out with vampires because the only friends I seem to be able to make are people who want to drink my blood and eat me and stuff.

"I'll kill you!!!" Just then Alice took out a lighter and lit Edwards copper-penny colored hair on fire.

"OMG YOU FRIGGIN LIT MY HEAD ON FIRE YOU *****!"(it's a word that starts with "b" and ends in "itch.") Then Edward started rolling around on the the ground like he was breakdancing and then I didn't want to be left out so I started breakdancing too. Then Jacob showed up.

"Edwards my love!!!!!!!!!" But then Edward shot him with another horse tranquilizer. (He can multitask cause he'd a vampire duh)

"I'm gonna drink your blood for doing that!" Edward said. Then I thought, "if she's already a vampire and if he drinks her blood without killing her, then what would that make her? Not a vampire? Or maybe she'd have super enhanced vampire abilities?! Or maybe she'd just turn into a vampire bat and fly away!! But it would be weird to have babies with a bat. I mean, who wants to have a kid that looks like that creepy Batman dude?

But anyway, I didn't want to risk having batkids, so I decided to do the only thing possible to stop Edward from drinking her blood. I...

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**Tune it to see what happens next!**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: If I did, in fact, own Twilight, Edward would have eaten Bella in biology.**

**Author's Note: **Mits here. Um. Yeah. Enjoy (_ifthat'sevenpossiblewiththispieceofcrap_) Oh, and time for a lemon! **(Changed the rating to M)**

**_Midnight Eclipse_**  
_Chapter Seven_

...was to take my shirt off! "Edward, baby. I love you so, so, so, so, so much. Why don't we ever has sex?!" I screamed at him dancing all sexy-like.

I knew that Edward was liking my dance because his peepee stick was pointing at me. He completely ignored the pixie and ran at me, scooping me up in his arms. "I love you, love. I don't know why we haven't had sex yet. Let's have some now!!" He screamed back at me so that everyone could hear.

I knew all the girls were jealous because Edward is like so fucking hot, and he's mine, and we're going to have sex, and everyone's going to see, and I LOVE SEX! Edward was holding me with both hands while he took off him pants and shirt. My God, Edward is so hot! He has huge muscle everywhere, and I just wanted to lick him, so I did. It was like a popsicle, only it tasted like Edward and not cherry.

Edward was like super-ready to have sex, so he pulled off my shirt and pants, and started kissing me everywhere! I was so happy because he never kisses me like this, ever! We were getting so into it, that I didn't notice when Alice came back. She grabbed my arm, and said, "Get off, Edward's my werewolf!"

I was so mad at her for stopping our kissing that I grabbed her arm and threw her through a wall. She didn't get back up after that.

Anyway, with Alice incapacitated, Edward and I continued to kiss. But then, I wanted more. So I said all sexily, "Edward, do me! I want you so bad!"

So he did.

He stuck him weiner in me and humped like crazy. It felt SO GOOD.

We had sex for like six hours. Eventually, I had to ask him to stop because I wasn't on the pill, and I didn't want to get pregnant. When we finished, everyone clapped because it was like epic sex, and everyone was jealous.

I decided to check back on Alice because she might have a bump on her head from me throwing her into the wall, but she wasn't there! I turned around to tell Edward that Alice was missing, when .....

--

_**PLEASE REVIEW!**_


	8. Chapter 8

**ZukoFlame: Well, seeing as how this story has been changed to M, we can now have a lot more fun! Hehehe**

Disclaimer: It would be a bit odd to write fanfiction for a book I wrote, don't you think? (Yes, this means that I don't own Twilight.)

--

…She jumped on me! It was weird because I never thought that I was a lesbo but I guess I could be bi so that way I could still be with Eddy.

"I WANT you Bella!" Edward was still having orgasms and didn't feel like getting up atm, so he didn't see Alice trying to get with me. Again. So I decided, oh what the heck. It's not like Edward was going to know.

"I like you and all but how can we…ya know? I mean it's not like we have one of those…uhh…"

"Don't worry!" She said with triumph. "I have an idea!" She got off of me and ran into her house and then about a minute later she came back—cause she's a vampire so she's got superfast running abilities, you know, like if you put that Comcast High Speed jell thingy in your shoes—and then she came back with her hands behind her back.

"Ooh what is it?" I asked anticipatingly.

"Tada!" She presented me with a hotdog and some double-sided tape. Then she pulled down her pants and started taping it to her underwear.

"Ooh I see! But wait a sec. I don't wanna get pregnant. Hold on." I ran over to where Eddy was, but he didn't notice me since he was still moaning and stuff. I took out his wallet and smiled when I found what I was looking for. "Here!" I ran back over to Alice and put the condom on. I mean, they always tell you to have safe sex, so I wasn't going to take any chances.

"Good idea!" She told me. Then we went over to the bushes and then she put her wiener (no pun intended) into my pencil sharpener and we got down and dirty. Just as we were about to switch positions, I heard footsteps coming toward us. Then I spelled that perfect vampire scent, and I wondered if maybe I was just smelling the hotdog beginning to cook. But no, it could only be…

**Hehe. Review me!**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I. Do. Not. Own. Twilight.**

**Author's Note**: Um. I'm bad at updating this (and _Eat Your Heart Out_). Oops? -**Mits**

_**Midnight Eclipse**  
-Chapter Nine-_

_..._Dr. House!

"Allllliiiiice, look it's House!" I screamed really loud, pointing at the vampire doctor with bright blue eyes and a cane.

"OMG House? Where?!" Alice screamed right back at me. She pounced at him and started kissing him everywhere because she was totally in love with him after watching the entire series in three nights.

I was kind of mad that she was cheating on me already because I thought we were in love, but then she yelled, "What the Hell! You're not House!!"

House, who was actually really Emmett, started chuckling and pulled off his fake blue eyes and House-mask. "Gotcha, you silly pixie! Ten points for Gryffindor!" He exclaimed with a huge smile.

Edward, who had just realised that me and him were no longer having sex, got up and came over to me. He pulled out his wand (an actual wand hehe, not his penis!) and starting chasing Emmett whilst screaming, "For Sssssslytherin!"

I had no idea what they were high on, and when I asked Alice what Slytherin and Gryffindor were she just laughed at me. I was about to ask her again, but she ran off to the house to change into her Ravenclaw clothes, and I was stuck sitting in the bushes bored.

"What is everyone doing!?" I screamed as loud as I could.

"Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. DUMBLEDORE..!" someone started chanting.

I tried to find the source of the voice, but it was like invicible or something!

It was kind of catchy, so I started singing it in a really high-pitched voice whilst running around in my werewolf costume. (I put it on after having sex with Edward/Alice because it makes me happy).

Jake must have been attracted by my singing and attire because he came running as a wolf and said, "I heard the call! What's wrong?!"

I was just about to answer him where Emmett and Edward came back with...

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_kekekeke. _

_Thanks for reading!_

_Pleeeeeease Review._


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